Adam Felber gives us a transcript of an obscure event from the olympics. Here's a snip of the beginning.

Olympic Transcript [Obscure Event Edition]

TOM: Welcome back, and we're just in time for the 800 meter sideways cobblestick shuttlerun. With me, I have 1976 bronze medalist, Lucy Pinker. Lucy, what are we looking for today?

LUCY: Well, Tom, Hungary's Bidrai Malouva is the favorite in this event, having taken gold in Sydney.

TOM: He's more machine than man!

LUCY: Uh, well, sure...

TOM: But don't count out the plucky American, Morgan Hurren. He gave Malouva a real run for his money in Sydney, finishing a very close 7th, and he's been training exceptionally hard for this year's games.

[Cut to exciting video package about Hurren and his various trials and tribulations as he trained to rival the preeminent sideways cobblestick shuttlerunner in the world. Morgan turns out to be a startlingly down-to-earth kid, and you get the sense that maybe, just maybe, he's got a shot here. He's plucky.]

TOM: And there he is, the Kansas kid who has the whole cobblestick shuttlerun world abuzz. [Fanatical Apathy]